Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the raccoons are back...
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