who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
