i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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