His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
