11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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