just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
