Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
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