Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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