$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
