im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
