I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
