the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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