quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
