We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
