when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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