She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My feet surprised me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
