if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
