I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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