i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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