The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
