New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
