Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
