dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
