Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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