I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
