I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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