I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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