a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
