I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
