I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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