Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
