Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
