Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
