Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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