I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
