it's not cheating when I paid for it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
