theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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