I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
