Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the day after is always just damage control
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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