I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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