I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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