there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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