you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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