I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
