dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
