I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
