If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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