he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Houston, we have a blender
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
