Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
