we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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