I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
