After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Say something about gay babies.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
