Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize