I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
