I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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