New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
