The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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