Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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