I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
