I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
