I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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