Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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