Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
